Leaving Lonely.

I think if you'd love me,
I'd let you.
Stop saying that
"I don't believe"
No more
Pointing and laughing
or
Crying and hiding
From something I claim to
Not need.
Open this dark world to
Fairy tales.
Have them light this
Bleak reality.
Allow my heart to Hope.
If you'd only
Lightly kiss my eyelids,
Entwine my fingers with yours.
I would
Divorce
Loneliness.

Sea of Discontentment

I swim in an ocean of splendor,
but wait for you to pull the plug.
Swirling.
Swirling .
Downward spiral.
Who will save me now?
No hand reaches to
Grasp.
No arms encircle to
Save.
I am
Cast
to the sharks of the world.
I am
Tortured
By their
Crude
Taunting
Smiles.
I am
Alone
In a sewer of
Smirking
Faces.

PARAMOUNT

I have a lot of bad days, which makes the good days that I have paramount in my life. This week I have been observing the things that simply make me happy because they are. I decided to start compiling a list, so that I can refer back to it on those (all to often) bad days.

• Walking through fallen leaves.
• Clouds, especially wispy ones.
• Writing poetry.
• Auditioning.
• Performing.
• Being Creative.
• Bar tending.
• Friends.

OK, so maybe the list isn't that large, or amazing, but it is nice to pick out the few things that make the bad days worth surviving.

SOMETIMES

Sometimes I

SPARKLE,

Most times I

FLICKER.

Sometimes I

FLASH,

Most times I

FADE.

Sometimes I

SING,

Most times I

SIGH.

Sometimes I

STAND OUT,

Most times I

HIDE.

MOST of the time,

I wish SOMETIMES,

Was ALL the time.

SEARCHING FOR JOY

Make me happy.
Help me smile.
I am crying.
I am lost.
Show me how to get home.
Your joy is real.
My pain is strong.
I'm scared I will never arrive.
Share your delight.
Lead me to love.
I am standing here waiting for truth.

A JUMPING OFF POINT

How do I fix the issues that I have with myself?


-Pick a specific issue from each area, and work on that, let everything else go for the time being. Until I have fixed one thing I cant be expected to work on anything else. Stop asking and pushing for to much, if my plate is to full I will never finish anything. Pacing!


What are the specific issues that I am having?


~Intimacy~
o Dependence
o Love
o Rape
o Sex
o Loneliness

~Fitness~
o Weight
o Body
o Sleep
o Medication
o Desirability

~Friendship~
o People
o Purpose
o Give and Take
o Reason and Quality

~School~
o Focus
o Major
o Grad School
o Quality of Education

~God~
o Existance
o Purpose
o Love
o How
o Why
o Struggles

Have I considered all types of counseling and therapy that are available to me?
- School Mental Health Counselors
- Family Doctor
- Anti-doctors

HOW DO I FIX WHATS BROKEN?

I think that there is something in my mind that is broken. The problem is that I am not exactly sure what it is. This month is when it all comes together(executive decision). I am turning 25, and I dont know who I am. This cannot continue. I started a list of personal issues to work on, and so I will have to really try to find the lose screw. I hope that I can figure out a way to repair my shattered mind.